


Sodium Hypochlorite

by Merixcil



Series: Tumblr Fics [76]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Medical Conditions, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 04:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21386374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: Joker downs a bottle of bleach and Batman is the only one willing to take him to the hospital
Relationships: Joker (DCU) & Bruce Wayne
Series: Tumblr Fics [76]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759627
Comments: 4
Kudos: 69





	Sodium Hypochlorite

“Why would you do that?”

Joker looks up from the plastic bag he’s been vomiting into. It’s sprung a leak and is no doubt ruining the leather upholstery. Serves Batman right, this car is far too swanky to play catch the clown in. What was he thinking? “Why did I do what?”

The Bat’s eyes don’t leave the road but his face crumbles into the sort of withering look that is entirely inappropriate to use on guests in one’s vehicle. “Why did you drink that bottle of bleach?”

“Oh man, that’s a tough one. Can I phone a friend?”

The Bat growls, hitting the steering wheel with a hand that looks like it was made for Joker’s guts.

They can’t be having that. All attempts to knock Joker’s lights out should be aimed directly at their target. He makes a mental note to chastise the black caped idiot for his bad manners just as soon as he’s finished unloading another round of his dinner.

Or his breakfast. Last Tuesday’s lunch? Keeping track of when and where he’s eating is such a pain in the ass.

Batman's nose wrinkles, his face trying to creep up and vanish completely behind the mask. Hilarious. Joker tries to laugh but his throat is raw and slippery and can’t keep hold of the sound.

“I just…I don’t…why would you try to kill yourself?”

Joker sticks a finger in his ear to dislodge whatever it is that’s got him bunged up enough to have him hearing things. “Why did I what now?”

“Try to kill yourself!” Batsy repeats, irritated, but when is he not? “With the bleach.”

“You’re really hung up on this bleach thing, huh?” Joker belches and a gob of bile falls into his lap. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself. You know the Gandhi quote – do or do not, there is no try. If I was gonna top myself I wouldn’t fuck around with unpredictable chemical reactions.”

“The consequences of drinking bleach are hardly unpredictable.”

“Maybe to you! But I’m built of sterner stuff, old Batsy me lad. You never can tell what exciting new concoction is gonna roll right off my back.”

“Whatever this is doing, it’s not rolling off your back.” Batman pulls a fresh plastic bag from nowhere and passes it to Joker. “You’re not going into toxic shock, are you?”

“Are you?”

Batman slumps back in his chair, his foot not so much as flinching off the gas pedal. They’re moving at a pretty pace, the lights of the city blurring to nothingness out the window. Joker’s pretty sure they’re right in the heart of Midtown, weird that the streets should be clear enough to allow for that.

Tying off the first bag of vomit, Joker places it nearly by his feet where it starts to seep into the foot-well. He gives himself five minutes alone with the fresh one before asking where they’re going.

“You drank bleach approximately thirty minutes ago and haven’t stopped throwing up since.” Batsy replies, like that’s an answer.

Joker shrugs. “So?”

“So, I’m taking you to Gotham General.”

“What can those eggheads do for me?”

“I…don’t know.” Batman runs a hand over his face. “I have no idea. But I can’t do anything for you.”

“Nonsense, Batsy! You can help me talk about my feelings. That’s what they make people do when they try to kill themselves, right?”

“You just said you weren’t trying to kill yourself!” Batman snarls, equal parts worried and frustrated. If Joker had known it was this easy to wind him up he would have drunk a bottle of bleach years ago.

“I wasn’t. But they’re gonna say I did so I figured I should get into character.”

The grinding of Batman’s teeth is audible over the engine. “You are impossible, you know that?”

Joker grins and spits out the first strained bars of a laugh. “Honey, I can’t be impossible. I’m possibling right at you.”

“I’m going to have to knock you out to stop you assaulting the doctors aren’t I?”

“But of course! The bleach gave my pipes a good scouring, but it couldn’t wash away my natural charm.”

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on [tumblr](https://jeffersonhairpie.tumblr.com/)
> 
> You can also find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/chadfuture_)
> 
> Comments are love!


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